The Test

The other day Pipi was so bored that Pipi decided to run a test. What I did was, I sent the following sms using my mobilephone to 10 people and wait for the response.

“Hi, I am having trouble locating my handphone, could you please call me back so that I can locate it when it rings? I would appreciate your help. TQ”

The Result
3 people called me back with the following response –
“ Takde kerja ke? Kalau tak jumpa handphone camne boleh hantar sms?”
“ Please la Pipi, janganlah underestimate aku punya IQ”
“ Aku malas nak layan kau, buang masa je”. Strange, buang masa but still gave me a call.

1 person sent back the following sms –
“ Ni dah boring sangat la ni? Takde kerja ye?”

3 people replied with the following sms –
“ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

2 people never responded

1 person called me back with the following response-
“Hah! Dah jumpa handphone kau? Mana kau letak? Tu la next time ingat betul2 kat mana letak handphone. Nasib baik aku call kau balik”

The Findings.

Finding No 1. – 3 people who gave me a call.
Based on the response, I can now safely conclude that out 30% of the people in this world are nice people with effort and extra money. They knew that it was a stupid thing but they still gave me a call. If you have this 30% of this kind of people in your life, stick to them. They will always be there for you no matter how stupid you are. For those who are using the prepaid service, you may safely miss call them and let them call you back.

Finding No 2 – The one who sent the sms.
10% of the people are nice and has more effort than the first 30%. Sadly, they are a little short of money. What I mean with more effort is that they are willing to spend longer time by typing the sms on the small keypad compared to calling me direct. Of course the cost of sms is cheaper than the call. For prepaid user who runs out of credit, please do not miss call this kind of people and expect that they will call you back. The only thing that you will be getting is the following sms from them – hey, u called me just now? You now la, I tak dengar tadi. I was doing something. Btw, do you have anything to tell me? Please call me back.TQ

Finding No 3 – 3 people who replied my sms with HAHAHAHAHA
30% of the world population has a very good sense of humor. They will simply laugh at anything. Jenis jenis ini lah yang membantu memesatkan industri lawak bodoh kat dunia ni. Mereka merupakan peminat setia rancangan sitcom kat TV3 yang dari dulu sampai sekarang tak habis habis lagi. Sila ambil perhatian bahawa Pipi tidak memaksudkan bahawa rancangan tersebut adalah sitcom Senario.

Finding No 4 – 2 people who never responded to my cry of help.
Please accept the fact the 20% of the world population is never bother about you or what happens around them. They will not help you if you are in trouble. The most that they will do is to slow down their car whenever there is an accident just to have a look and cause a massive traffic jam. You may safely disregard this kind of people in your life. On the bright side, you have less 20% of the world population to intervene in your life.

Finding No 5 – The one who help me find my mobile phone.
10% of the world population consists of idiots!

If you are really bored then run the test by yourself and see the response. Or you may also try the following:

Drive to any Mcdonalds restaurant which has the drive through counter. When asked what do you need to order, just tell the poor person at the counter that you do not want anything, you are just window shopping.

The Advantages of Swearing

(This entry has been classified as 18SX. So if you are a parent reading this to your child, you might replace the word fuck, shit etc with toot, beep etc. Or you may read it as F-asterisk-asterisk- K or S-asterisk-asterisk-T. For those underage person reading this you may visualize the word is typed as F**k or S**t. )

People hate when you swear. Kalau tengok TV or wayang when the actors swear, mesti kene “bleep” punya la. Logically, swearing is considered as rude, kurang ajar dan tidak sopan. But then, has anybody ever noticed that you can gain some advantage if you swear?

Swearing Makes You Look Cool.
Sangat sangat cool sebenarnya. Hollywood actors swear a lot in the action movies. Swearing makes you look tough and you will gain some respect from the audience. By swearing the word fuck! Or shit! in the middle of gun fight, your chance of survival is very high. Even the bad guys look cool if they swear at the point of dying.

Swearing Relieves Your Stress.
You had a lot of work in the office and on the way back, you are stuck in the traffic jam. Some idiot suddenly drives recklessly in front of your car. What do you do? Of course all that words like Fuck you! Shit! will come out from your mouth. Then anda akan sangat rasa lega kerana anda sudah berjaya melepaskan perasaan anda tanpa menumpahkan setitik darah. Dengan memaki di dalam kereta anda akan berjaya mengelakkan pertengkaran yang lebih buruk apabila tiba di rumah kerana anda tidak lagi perlu memaki isteri anda sendiri. Perlu diingatkan sekiranya anda rasa tertekan di opis, jangan cuba memaki boss anda kerana itu adalah satu perbuatan yang sangat bodoh.

Swearing Saves Your Time and Increase Your Productivity.
Imagine this; you are busy in the office. Your co-worker suddenly comes in your room and wants to discuss about his/her stupid idea. He/She might not be listening to you if you told him/her nicely that you are busy and will probably continue to sit down in front of you and waste a few hours of your time. But then, if you utter the sentence like “Fuck you asshole! I am fucking busy and I do not want to listen to your stupid fucking idea. Get the hell out of here!” Pipi pasti individu tersebut akan sangat terkejut dan akan perlahan lahan membawa diri. The result? You won’t be disturbed, you can finish your work on time and the boss loves you. So, who said swearing is bad?

Swearing Makes You Closer to Your Friends
If you swear to your mates, they will definitely swear back at you and all of you end up laughing. Swearing bonds all of us. So next time, when you are meeting your friends, instead of greeting the word Hi or Hello, you may greet them with Fuck You! Please be cautious though. Don’t swear to a stranger with an intention to make new friend. The only friends that you will get are the doctors and nurses in the hospital.

Happy Swearing to all of you!!

Advertensi

I am not really sure with is the real meaning of advertensi, tapi tiap tiap malam tengok kat tv rasa macam cool lak. Maybe it has something to do with advertisement or iklan.

Check out this spot in April 2006

Cinta Dan Perkahwinan dari Pandangan Serong Pipi

Proses bercinta adalah satu proses yang sangat kompleks dan memakan masa. Selain dari itu, proses bercinta juga akan memakan duit dan tenaga anda. Pipi rasa proses yang rumit ini boleh dimudahkan dengan mengikuti petua yang Pipi berikan kat bawah. As usual, follow at your own risk, Pipi tak akan bertanggungjawab sekira berlaku perkara yang memudaratkan.

If you like someone, and you want him/her to be your partner, I am talking about lover here, just go straight to the person and tell him/her that you like him/her and you want him/her to be your boyfriend/girlfriend. Sila jangan buang masa anda dengan ayat ayat hendak berkenalan dan berkawan. Proses berkawan dahulu dan bercinta kemudian sebenarnya sangat membuang masa. Just imagine, it takes about 1 year nak berkawan, then another year for you to have the gut to say that you love that someone, then another year before you got engaged plus 1 year engagement period before you get married, in total you spend 4 years, tak ke buang masa tu?

Anda tak perlu risau pasal kesesuaian antara antara anda dah pasangan, yang penting, mesti straight to the point, terus sahaja bercinta. Kalau agak agak tak sesuai, putus cinta. Takpe, bercinta 3 bulan then putus is better compared to kawan setahun, cinta setahun then putus. Buang masa, tenaga dan duit sahaja. Lagipun putus cinta lebih mudah dari putus kawan.

Kalau anda dah berjaya mendapat pasangan yang “sesuai” dengan langkah cinta express kat atas, terus sahaja mengikat tali pertunangan. Jangan tunggu lama lama, tak elok mata memandang. Tunang pun jangan lama lama sangat, takat 2 -3 bulan dah boleh kawin. Tak payah nak fikir or selidik pasal background tunang anda. Don’t worry kalau tunang anda kensel nak kawin on that wedding day itself sebab anda boleh tukar majlis perkahwinan menjadi majlis doa selamat. Kalau tak malu, boleh panggil orang suratkhabar sekali. Satu Malaysia akan tau anda kene tipu. On the bright side, satu Malaysia juga akan tau bahawa anda seorang yang single dan mungkin anda akan bertemu jodoh dengan mana mana pembaca suratkhabar yang kesian kat anda.

(Pesanan Pipi, untuk orang perempuan sahaja - sila perhatikan betul betul duit hantaran yang diletakkan di dalam album gambar. Kalau boleh, belek duit tu. Jangan main terima je. Nanti leceh pulak nak buat report polis la, laki masuk jel la, pasal kasi duit hantaran Photostat.)


Bagi sesiapa yang tak bertemu jodoh atau jodoh tak panjang, tak perlu risau sangat. The chances of you meeting the right person mesti ada punya. Normally, this will occur the age of 70 to 80 years untuk lelaki (50 – 60 untuk wanita). Make sure, masa kawin nanti cakap kat orang suratkhabar tu anda kawin kerana jodoh dan memerlukan seseorang sebagai teman. Bagi kaum lelaki, jangan hebahkan yang anda mempunyai stok Viagra yang mencukupi. Kalau anda duda or janda, jangan lupa berterima kasih kepada anak anak dan cucu cucu. Kalau anda bernasib baik, anda boleh melangsungkan perkahwinan bersama cucu anda dan disponsor oleh pihak Jawatankuasa Kampung anda.


Ini adalah peringatan yang paling penting untuk kaum lelaki. Sekiranya anda ingin berkahwin, sila perhatikan betul betul di bahagian "tandatangan pengantin lelaki" dekat surat kahwin tu. Sebenarnya terdapat satu clause yang ditulis dengan perkataan yang sangat kecil bagi mengaburi mata anda yang berbunyi " Saya yang menurut perintah", check betul betul before signing.

Whatever it is, macam orang selalu cakap, jodoh pertemuan di tangan tuhan. Kita hanya mampu merancang. For those yang masih lagi tercari cari teman hidup, Pipi ucapkan best of luck. Please be reminded though, cinta sejenis adalah sangat sangat dilarang.

Pipi Tak Kisah........

Aiman ada kawan, nama dia….. dia HIV positive……Aiman tak kisah….


Kat atas tu adalah petikan dari iklan yang selalu Pipi dengar kat radio pasal seorang budak yang tidak mendiskriminasikan kawan dia yang HIV positive. Kalau Pipi diberi peluang, Pipi nak buat iklan cam kat bawah ni then “air”kan kat satu Malaysia punya radio.

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Pipi pakai Smarttag so that Pipi tak payah beratur bila nak bayar tol. Tapi kadang kadang ada jugak problem kat Smarttag punya lorong. Tak tau la apa yang tak smart. Tag tu ke atau orang yang pakai Smarttag tu (selain dari Pipi) yang tak smart. End up kena beratur panjang jugak tapi……..Pipi tak kisah.......

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Pipi kenal satu celebrity ni. Kenal sebab selalu tengok muka dia kat tv la. Dia memang tak kenal Pipi punya. Kalau banding umur dia dengan Pipi, memang dah layak dipanggil nenek tapi dia dok asyik membahasakan diri dia akak. Dengan budak budak belasan tahun pun dia bahasakan diri dia kakak jugak. Pipi tak tau apa masalah dia. Takut dengan bayang bayang sendiri ke tapi…….Pipi tak kisah.........

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Pipi bawak kereta pergi kerja. Bila harga minyak naik, ada la sorang bijak pandai tu suggest suruh naik basikal pergi kerja tanpa mengambil kira faktor cuaca kat Malaysia ni. Jangkamasa perjalanan Pipi nak pergi kerja ialah satu jam. Kalau Pipi naik basikal memang hari hari lambat la, tak pun langsung tak sampai. Yang herannya, orang yang suggest tu tak pulak bawak basikal pergi kerja tapi……….Pipi tak kisah........

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Kadang kadang Pipi merupakan orang yang paling depan kat trafik light bila lampu merah. The moment lampu tukar hijau je, orang yang kat belakang Pipi terus hon suruh jalan. Dia ingat ni Formula 1 punya racing ke? Bodoh punya orang tapi……… Pipi tak kisah........

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Hari tu Pipi nak pegi Zoo Negara. Bila sampai kat depan pintu tu, dia orang cakap zoo dah pindah pergi Parlimen. Huh? Apa sudah jadi? Dia cakap, balik check kat newspaper, tengok kat berita pasal persidangan Parlimen. So Pipi kene kensel la nak pergi zoo hari tu tapi…….Pipi tak kisah.........

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Pipi ada blog. Hari hari Pipi mesti nak update blog Pipi. Pipi kene sentiasa buat research and keep up to date with the current issue sebab nak carik idea. But then takde la sampai tahap nak kene hentak kepala lagi. Pipi sendiri pun tak tau berapa orang yang dok baca blog Pipi ni, tapi…….Pipi tak kisah.......

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Have a nice weekend !!!

How to Build A Successful Business

Fancy doing a business? Follow these tips and you will be having a very successful business in no time.

Build Your Image
Image is very important in business. You must portray your image as a successful businessman (the word businessman also applies to businesswoman, nanti korang cakap Pipi bias pulak). It does not matter if you have just started your business or you company has just been approved by ROC. First, get yourself an expensive car, Benz or equivalent is advisable. Jangan bawak Kancil, people do not want to do business with someone driving a Kancil. We are talking about multi million businesses. Driving a Kancil will only downgrade you.

Next, you must build the image of your company, and the best way to do this is by creating a fancy website. People are lazy; they prefer to visit your website rather than visiting your office (if you have one). Create an impression that your business is big; use other companies’ reference, preferably a company which is based a thousand miles away. Make sure you include an impressive organization chart in your website to show that you have adequate people manning your company while in actual there are only two people working with you. Choose a catchy url so that people will have the tendency to click them. Don’t use any of that free website such as Geocities etc. It’s not good for your business’s image. Please take note that you-are-an-idiot is a good example of BAD url. Try to avoid this kind of url.

The Targeted Costumer.
As a guide line you may refer to the following statistic:

60% of the world population does not require your product
30 % of them does not have any money to buy your product
5% of them are nuts
5% of them are willing to buy anything

Now, if you look at the statistic, there will always be 10% of the world population who would buy your product. Based on the current world population, there are more than 50 million people who would by your product. This is a huge number. Please make sure that you sell your product in the right location. Selling an ice cream in Antarctica or winter clothing in Africa is a really stupid idea.

The Product or Services
If you are having trouble with the product, or you have no idea what to sell, create a similar product which is already in the market and named the product in such a way that it will confuse the 10% targeted customers. A good example is Sonny walkman, Naiwa hi fi or you may try Penconic electrical products.

The Sales and Marketing Plan.
This is a very important aspect to make sure that your business is successful. You will need a good sales and marketing personnel. First, you will need to narrow down your customer. If the majority of your customer is male, then hire a beautiful sales person (and vice versa if your customer is mostly women). Don’t worry about their IQ level. Most of the customers will have the tendency to talk about the personal life of your sales person rather than the product itself, if he or she is good looking.

You may also want to provide them with a standard script for selling your product. If your sales person gets caught in a tricky situation, tell them to do this – whisper this sentence to the client’s ear in a very seductive way “I would do anything in order to make sure I secure this contract”. I am sure the contract is yours.

You must also look into a good advertisement. If you can afford it, spam others’ email. It is a good strategy; you don’t have to bother about their privacy or whether they are reading your stupid email or not. You may also want to try those advertisements in the tabloid newspaper. The rate is cheaper compared to the mainstream newspaper. Be worried though that you might need to compete with all the “kelulusan segera” loan (read: along) advertisement.

Add some unverified statistic in your advertisement such as your product is 99.99% usable. Don’t worry, if someone complaints that he/she cannot use your product, you can always tell him/her that he/she is the unlucky .01% and offer a replacement.

After Sales Service.
You must make it very difficult for your customer to speak to your customer service officer. Make them press as many buttons as possible on their phone. Make them wait, and while waiting, feed their ear with the most irritating sound available. If any of your customer manage to get through (your customer must be a very patient person then), pass the phone around. You may also use the recordings system on your customer service hotline. Remember, people love to communicate with machine. Don’t be guilty of doing this.

And if your customer service officer is having trouble solving the problem with your customer, ask the customer to call back. DO NOT offer to return their call. It costs you money. The chances of your customer returning the call are very low. They can’t afford the go through all the irritating process all over again.

Now, if you follow the above tips and your business is successful, don’t forget to come back and drop a few lines. I will accept your thanks in advance. Good luck with your business.

Majlis Orang Kenamaan

I had a chance to attend one of the function involving VIPs and VVIPs recently. Not that I really wanted to go, but I was kind of stupid when I made the decision offering myself to attend on behalf of the company.

Part 1 – The Timing

Let’s just check the typical “atucara majlis” involving VIPs:


3.30 ptg - Ketibaan Tetamu Jemputan (this would be me)
4.00 ptg - Ketibaan Dif-Dif Kehormat
4.45 ptg - Ketibaan YAB bla bla bla (normally, this is the VVIP who will initiate the launching ceremony etc)
- Bacaan Doa
- Ucapan oleh YB “not so important” (the head of the ministry ke, department ke etc)
- Ucapan Pelancaran oleh VVIP
- Majlis Pelancaran
- Majlis Menandatangani Perjanjian
6.00 ptg - Jamuan Ringan

So this was what happened to me the other day:-

Untuk tidak dilabel sebagai seorang yang tidak menepati masa, Pipi sampai 15 minit lebih awal (I really regret doing this). So bila masuk je kat dalam dewan tu, I saw there are a lot of other people who arrived earlier than me. (I guess they might have also regretted their action as well). I should have noticed that I was given an allowance of 30 minutes (3.30 pm to 4.00 pm) to be late.

From there onward, I had to wait for the VIPs to arrive, and being a VIPs, they were given a 45 minutes lead time before the arrival of the VVIP and for me, I had been waiting for 1 hour and 30 minutes before the arrival of the VVIP ( I came 15 minutes earlier).

End of Part 1

Conclusion No 1
You have to wait longer if you are an ordinary people.

Conclusion No 2
If you are a very important person, you can come a little bit later and let the ordinary people wait for you.

Conclusion No 3
The ordinary people have nothing else to do. They are not important. They can always waste their time waiting for the VIPs.

Part 2 – The Speech

Any ceremony will not be complete without a speech and any speech will not be complete without the greeting. First, the not so important VIP gave the speech. He was reading from the text “prepared” earlier. Sadly, the person giving the speech (read : reading the text) was not prepared at all. Ucapan beliau adalah seperti seorang kanak kanak yang baru belajar membaca. Plus, at the beginning of the speech, this individual or anybody giving a speech will have to greet everybody from the Minister, to the Chief Minister including Tan Sri and Datuks dan Tuan Tuan dan Puan Puan ( this would be the ordinary people) in hierarchical order.

When it was the turn for the VVIP to give the speech, he repeated the same greeting process all over again but his speech would be longer then the-not-so-important-VIP. Part of the speech must include the “nasihat” to the ordinary people like me.

End of Part 2

Conclusion No 1
You can save time if you greet everybody at once without having to mention the title.

Conclusion No 2
You will make a complete idiot of yourself if you don’t really prepare yourself for the speech.

Conclusion No 3
Advice is good and must be made mandatory in any speech even though only a few will listen to the advice. (Hey! We had been waiting for almost 2 hours now!)

The Last Part.

In total, the actual timing for the ceremony is only 1 hour and it could be shorter if the greeting and nasihat part was excluded and everybody arrives at the same time. I don’t want to say anything about the “jamuan ringan” part but it was not really ringan, kalau betul betul makan, memang takyah dinner lagi dah malam tu.

The BIG conclusion.

Next time, Pipi tak mau lagi attend benda benda macam ni. Sebenarnya, Pipi dah kekeringan idea for the blog. Arrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhh............

IKLAN

SOMETHING NEW ......APRIL 2006

Pipi Pun Cuci Tandas Sendiri Jugak

This is the excerpt from the phone conversation that I had with someone (a lady) working with a mainstream newspaper when I called her about publishing the story about me cleaning the toilet.


Pipi : Hello

The Lady : Hello

Pipi : Can you publish a story about me cleaning the toilet, please?

The Lady : Sorry, I can’t do that.

Pipi : Why?

The Lady : Because you are not important enough.

Pipi : But I can speak in English.

The Lady : So do I, but my employer still won’t publish a story about me cleaning the toilet by myself.

Pipi : How about my mother? She is very important to me and to the family.

The Lady : I have a mother too, everybody else has a mother. We can’t simply publish a story about mothers cleaning up the toilets.

Pipi : But I read on your newspaper on Sunday about someone cleaning up the toilet by herself in the front page.

The Lady : She’s is a very important person.

Pipi : I’ll talk to another newspaper and see whether they will publish a story about me cleaning up the toilet or not.

The Lady : Good luck with that (laugh maniacally)

Pipi : (Blur)


(After a long pause………)

Pipi : Hello, are you still there?

The Lady : Yep, I’m still here.

Pipi : Can we have this conversation in Malay, please.

The Lady : Ok, fine with me.

Pipi : Sapa nama awak?

The Lady : Rahsia, tapi awak boleh panggil saya Miss X.

Pipi : (Laugh histerically)

Miss X : Kenapa awak ketawa?

Pipi : Awak ketinggalan zaman la, mana ada orang pakai nama samaran X lagi dah sekarang ni. Bagi je nama apa apa pun. Kalau awak tipu saya pun saya bukan tau.

Miss X : Ok, nama samaran saya Misha.

Pipi : Nama betul?

Misha : Sami’ah.

Pipi : Apasal pakai Misha? Sami’ah tak best ke?

Misha : Sami’ah nama kampung, tak glamer la saya nanti.

Pipi : Ok, saya boleh terima alasan tu. Nanti kalau baca talkin nak sebut Misha ke
Sami’ah?

Misha : Nak kene terajang ke? By the way, what is your name?

Pipi : Awak cakap Bahasa Inggeris.

Misha : Sorry, apa nama awak?

Pipi : Nama saya Pipi.

Misha : Nice name.

Pipi : Terima kasih tapi awak cakap Bahasa Inggeris lagi sekali.

Misha : Maafkan saya. Sekejap ye, saya ada incoming call.

(I was put on hold for about one minute)

Misha : Hello, Pipi, are you still there?

Pipi : Ye, cakap je la bahasa apa yang awak suka.

Misha : Ok, let’s go back to the original issue then.

Pipi : Pasal apa? Oh yes, pasal toilet tadi.

Misha : Ye, toilet. Bukan kita tak mau publish cerita pasal toilet, tapi you must be a really important person in the country to have your story published in the mainstream newspaper.

Pipi : Boleh define important?

Misha : You must be someone who represents the country to any international forum or meeting. Mesti pandai berdebat dan kelihatan hebat di mana mana forum antarabangsa yang hurufnya berakhir dengan “O” macam WHO ke, kalau hujung huruf A pun boleh jugak. Tapi kalau GTO atau FTO, kita tak akan ambik kira.

Pipi : Ooooooooo (terpegun)

Misha : Imagine this, setiap hari berjuta juta orang cuci tandas sendiri. Makcik yang kerja cuci tandas tu memang dah sah akan cuci tandas, balik rumah cuci tandas lagi. Abang yang kerja kat R&R PLUS pun cuci tandas. Kalau kita nak publish cerita pasal orang cuci tandas sendiri, kita kene buat satu suratkhabar lain pulak, macam Utusan Tandas ke, Mingguan Tandas ke. The problem is orang tak mau baca or advertise dalam suratkhabar macam tu.

Pipi : I could not agree anymore. But then macam mana hari tu boleh keluar cerita pasal cuci tandas? Kat muka depan pulak tu.

Misha : As I said, you must be a very important person!!(Suara dah agak tinggi)

Pipi : Ok ok, I got your point.

Misha : Do you have any other things to say?

Pipi : Nope, I think I can accept the fact that I am not important enough to have my story published in any mainstream newspaper.

Misha : Good, now can I tell you something?

Pipi : What?

Misha : You are an idiot!

Pipi : Oh, no big deal. I got that a lot. I have to go now, nak kena pegi cuci tandas.

Misha : Ok, till next time, kalau ada isu call saya la. Awak boleh call handphone saya, ni phone personal tau, saya single lagi ni. Ambik nombor ni 019 - *******.

Pipi : Ok. I will do that. Thanks and goodbye....

Misha : Bye…..

How to Utilise Your Credit Card

Nowadays, it is very easy for any of us to get a credit card. If you go to any shopping complex, the chance of you meeting the promotion counter is very high. Sekarang ni, credit card dah jadi cam phone kad je. Sapa2 boleh apply, sapa2 boleh dapat as long as you meet the minimum criteria. Kalau tak cukup gaji, tipu payslip.

Credit card is a credit facility offered by the banks so that you can afford to purchase something which you can’t afford if you are using your own cash. Kira cam, pakai dulu, bayar kemudian la. Kalau tak mampu, split je payment bulan bulan.

But there are people who are underutilizing their credit card, takat apply, approved by the bank, then letak dalam wallet buat perhiasan. The worst case is someone who spends using the credit card then pays the full amount each month to avoid the interest cost walaupun credit limit berpuluh ribu. Bank sangat tidak suka kepada orang orang yang mempunyai tabiat sedemikian.

So, what do you need to do in order to fully utilize the credit card facilities? For those who have already owned credit card, you may safely skip this paragraph. For those who are thinking of having a credit card, or waiting for the application to be approved (don’t worry, mesti approved punya la), this is the first thing that need to be done. When you receive the credit card, please discard the term and condition (selalunya yang ada tulisan kecik kecik tu, nak baca kena pakai magnifying glass) enclosed with your card. It is a waste of time; you don’t need to know what is the interest rate like, what is the interest free period etc. What you really need to know is your credit limit. This is a very crucial information.

Next, please spend lavishly, jangan fikir whether you can afford to pay the outstanding amount or not. Remember, you can always split the payment. Just go and buy anything that you wish even though you don’t really need it. You can pay the minimum amount, apalah sangat 5% of the total outstanding amount compared to the value of the item that you purchased.

Then, if you are out of cash, go and withdraw some money from your credit card. Don’t hesitate in withdrawing money even the banks charge the interest from the date of your withdrawal until full payment is made. You can also use the money to pay for the minimum amount due each month, so that you don’t have to use they money that you earned from your hard work.

Please don’t pay your outstanding balance on time. The bank will only charge you 1% of the minimum payment due if you are late in making your payment. 1% is nothing compared to the recent petrol price increased of more than 10%. The banks are kind enough to assign someone to remind you that you are late in making your monthly payment. If you are good negotiator, you can ask for the period to be extended. Remember, the banks love a person who exceeds the credit limit, pay minimum amount and making late payment.

When you suddenly realized that you have reached the credit limit and could no longer afford to pay the minimum amount each month, go to any shopping complex, look for the promotion counter and apply for a new credit card from another bank. Since you have already owned a credit card, the process will be easier. What is needed is just a photocopy of your identity card and current credit card. You may now; repeat the above process all over again.

If you keep to the current cycle, you will be declared a bankrupt in no time. You should be proud that you are in the government statistic. One word of advise though, please do this at your own risk as I will not be responsible if anything bad happens. The choice is in your hand. Please take note that I am not working with any bank. Ini adalah nasihat percuma dari Pipi untuk anda semua.

Makanan Kegemaran dan Anda

Have you ever come across, in a magazine, normally entertainment related magazine, or tabloid newspaper, where there is a so called “interview” with an individual where all kind of silly questions are thrown to the individual? You might have noticed that towards the bottom part, there is always a question “apakah makanan kegemaran anda?”

Kalau anda ditanya soalan demikian, sila berhati hati apabila memberikan jawapan kerana ini adalah “trick question” kerana jawapan anda sebenarnya membayangkan diri dan status anda sebenarnya.

Check this out:-

“Saya suka makan makanan segera ataupun fast food”
Anda mungkin berfikir bahawa individu tersebut mungkin gemar memakan makanan seperti KFC, Macdonalds, Pizza ataupun makanan makanan segera lain. Dan semestinya anda membayangkan bahawa mereka ini mempunyai banyak duit kerana mampu makan KFC untuk lunch, Pizza Hut untuk dinner etc. Anda juga mungkin berfikir bahawa mereka ini mempunyai kehidupan yang pantas (fast). Tapi pada hakikatnya, apa yang dimaksudkan dengan makanan segera ialah mi segera dan bukanya makanan segera yang mahal. So, jawapan suka makan fast food sebenarnya menggambarkan individu yang sengkek kerana harga mi segera adalah sangat kecik jika dibandingkan dgn KFC.

“Makanan kegemaran saya ialah yang halal”
Ini merupakan satu golongan manusia yang tidak mempunyai perancangan dalam hidup dan sentiasa hidup dalam situasi yang general. Mereka malas berfikir dan suka benda yang simple. Janji halal, boleh makan. Reality check : ambik tepung, gaul dengan air, pastu goreng. Jangan letak garam or gula or apa2 perasa tiruan dan cuba makan. Memanglah halal, tapi tekak lalu ke nak terima?


“Makanan Kegemaran : Masakan ibu saya”
Memang anak emak habis dah ni. Masakan orang lain dia tak gemar. Individu ini mungkin akan menghadapi masalah kalau dah berkahwin. Sekiranya dia seorang lelaki, kemungkinan untuk bergaduh dengan bini sangat tinggi kerana dia tak akan gemar memakan masakan bini dia. Sekiranya dia seorang perempuan, makanan rutinnya adalah pelempang suami yang tension sebab isterinya tidak mahu memasak dengan alasan tidak gemarkan masakan sendiri. Imagine kalau mak dia takde? Lagi satu, this kind of person, memang tak akan pergi kenduri sebab mak dia tak masak kat situ.

“Saya suka makanan yang sedap”
Kalau anda jumpa jawapan macam ni, takyah la susah2 nak kawan dgn individu ni. Dalam kehidupan, dia nak yang perfect je. Makan nak yang sedap, kekasih nak yang hensem/lawa, rumah nak 10 tingkat, kereta nak yang besar. Yang tak best or buruk semua dia taknak. This kind of person memang susah nak hidup punya dalam dunia ni. So, kalau ada kes sakit jiwa, first thing, check dulu apa makanan kegemaran dia.

Ada banyak lagi yang boleh Pipi cerita tapi korang fikir sendiri la. Tapi yang menghairankan apasal soalan tentang makanan kegemaran ini hanya ditanya pada golongon2 tertentu sahaja?(majoritinya artis la). Jarang la nak jumpa soalan tentang makanan kegemaran yang ditanya pada menteri ke, golongon professional yang lain ke etc. Sapa tau, cakap kat Pipi.

Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia

``Pada keseluruhannya, pencapaian calon sangat membanggakan dan saya amat berpuas hati dengan prestasi murid yang menduduki SPM pada tahun lepas,'' - Ketua Pengarah Pelajaran, Datuk Dr. Ahamad Sipon

For those yang betul betul berjaya, I mean, really excel, yang jadi top student kat Malaysia (2-3 orang je), ini adalah masa anda untuk mengecapi hidup glamour. Don’t be surprise if you are approached by the stationery manufacturer to act in one of those commercials. Jangan pikir panjang panjang, just accept the offer. Bukan susah sangat pun berlakon dalam iklan pensel or pemadam. Senyum, angkat tangan tunjuk pensel, pastu buat muka manja sikit and you are done. Diorang tak boleh marah sebab anda bukan pelakon iklan professional. Kalau nak jadi pelakon, buat pe susah2 belajar kan?kan?kan?

You will be definitely being invited to one of that talk show on national television, Selamat Petang Malaysia ke, Malaysia Hari Esok ke to share the story of your success. The common question would be “ Boleh beritahu apakah rahsia kejayaan anda?” Please avoid the typical answers such as:-
- saya belajar bersungguh sungguh
- saya bijak membahagikan masa
- saya menumpukan perhatian dalam kelas
- saya selalu berbincang dgn guru dan rakan rakan (tapi apasal rakan anda tak jadi top student jugak? Strange eh? Dan cikgu anda pun bukan top student gak masa sekolah dulu.

Semua jawapan yang di atas adalah jawapan stereotype yang semua pelajar tahu, but so far we have never seen 120,000 student score 15As by following the above methods.

Instead, if you are being asked to same question, try to answer as follows:-
- itu rahsia saya, kalau saya beritahu semua orang takkan menjadi rahsia lagi. Then you ask the host of the tv show, awak nak kongsi rahsia awak dengan semua rakyat Malaysia ke?
- Saya pakai pensel magik Steadyler (remember, you must mention the name of the pencil that you were using in the commercial act), the pencil will point to me which is the correct answer. If the pencil screws up, there is a magic eraser that would correct the mistake.
- A friend of my father works in the Ministry of Education, tukang buat soalan peperiksaan.
- Kawan mak saya kerja kat kilang cetak soalan periksa.
- I am damn smart, genius etc.
- Kalau malas sangat jawab je, saya bernasib baik.

However, please remember that your fame, like the “bintang-bintang” reality shows is seasonal. People will only remember the champion of the latest season. Please be prepared for this kind of thing so that you will not feel upset when next year’s SPM result is announced.

For those who are not successful, this is not the end of your life (unless you commit suicide). Tengok balik where did you screw up. Nasib tak baik ke, salah spot soalan ke. But then, kalau anda sememangnya tak belajar bersungguh sungguh, it’s nobody fault. Bak kata pepatah Melayu “ Sesal dulu berpendapatan, sesal kemudian berpendapatan jugak tapi tak tinggi la”. Kerja kilang pun ada pendapatan tetap.

Sila ambil perhatian, anda tidak akan mendapat simpati dari Kementerian Pelajaran dan mengubah keputusan peperiksaan dengan terjun dari bangunan. Keputusan adalah muktamad. Terjun menerjun tidak akan dilayan.

Again, for those who are successful, congratulations! And for those who are not, there are lots of other ways to be successful in your life. Takleh masuk universiti, boleh try masuk akedemi, tapi kalau takat Akedemi Fantasia tu takyah la.

Idiots on the road

I am too lazy to write the opening paragraph, so let’s just see the characteristics of the idiots on the road, Malaysian road particularly.

Idiots communicate telepathically.
Imagine this, you are not an idiot (compliment from Pipi) and you are driving on the road, while out of the sudden, a car suddenly swerves in front of you from the other lane without giving any signal. Being a little bit smarter (compliment from Pipi) you will definitely swear things like Shit! Damn!, Idiot!, pegi mati! Tak reti bagi signal ke?!!!. You look around you but notice nobody (the other idiots) is swearing like you. The fact is that they have already known that this idiot will be changing lane. This is because they are communicating telepathically with each other using their under utilize brain cell. Being a smart person (again, compliment from Pipi), you will not be able to pick up this brain signal. So in future, please bring along an idiot to ride with you so that he/she can tell you when someone is changing lane. If you have no stupid friend, bring a donkey, this will do the trick.

Idiots always in emergency.
During any bad traffic situation, you will definitely notice cars passing through you using the emergency lane. This people are idiots and they are having an emergency situation. Don’t blame them; you are the lucky few who live peacefully and without having to face emergency situation daily. This is the type of idiots that I hate the most. Dah la bodoh, hari hari emergency. Letak siren dgn lampu kaler biru kat atas bumbung la macam tu! Bodoh!

To the idiots, a person who is observing the speed limit is the idiot.
The speed limit is 110km/h on the PLUS hiway. You (the smart person) are driving at that speed limit when suddenly a car comes from behind flashing the headlamp. You get the message, move to the other lane and let the idiot pass you. Good. Do you think you get the message right? NO, you are wrong. The flash light is actually a simplified Morse code having the meaning of – get out of my way you idiot! tepi la bodoh! Aku nak lalu ni, kalau nak bawak slow2 pegi jalan2 tepi pantai la!

Idiots only have ONE finger.
Poor those idiots, the only finger that they have are the middle finger.

Some stupid male drivers are gay.
Please be careful with this type of driver. They love to follow your car in the shortest distance possible, at the point of “kissing” the rear of your car. Come on man! Relieve your sexual desire somewhere else, the only holes that a car has is the exhaust pipe, you moron!

Idiots are colour blind.

They cannot distinguish between red, yellow and green. To them, all the colours in the world are green. That’s why you can see a lot of this people just ignore the yellow and red light. They can’t also tell what yellow box means.

p/s - if you see this is green, then you are one of them


There is another “unclassified” driver in Malaysia. They have the ability to pass through all the worst traffic condition with ease. They don’t have to get in the line at the toll plaza. They love to use the hazard light while driving. They are the lucky few who have the right to shove you to the side when they are on the road. They have the siren and blue flashing light installed on the roof of, NOT their cars but the other cars (normally white in colour) traveling with them!

Ingin Mencapai Impian?

There are lot of ways that you can do in order to get something or anything that you desire. Mostly melalui cara2 yang sukar dan melemahkan semangat. Contohnya, jika anda inginkan kereta, kene la kerja, simpan duit, ikat perut untuk bayar downpayment, pastu nak kene consider ansuran tiap tiap bulan pulak. You can always steal the car, but then it is against the law and won't make the car permanently yours.

However, there are something that you can do, without going through all the difficulties for you to achieve your dream or whatever that you want. Please be reminded though, that this will not apply to all situation, cuma boleh pakai untuk perkara yang Pipi nyatakan berikutnya sahaja.

If you dream of having your own bicycle.
This is the easiest, particularly if you are a secondary student. First, pinjam motorsikal parents, then ride to school. Masa tengah hari, ride the motorbike to anywhere, make sure you don't wear the crash helmet. If you are lucky, you will run into a road block. Jalan terus sampai jatuh tergolek, then cakap kene pukul dengan kerusi. The chances of your story to be on national television is very high. Wait patiently, I am sure someone (read :politician) will be offering you the bicycle soon for you to use it to go to school.

If you want to be popular and at the same time being toss into the sea with style.
Sing the national anthem badly in any official ceremony. You don't have to sing all the verse badly, just sing the last one only. Please take note it has to be done in official ceremony, kalau nyanyi dalam toilet, sampai mati la tak popular. Then, you wait for someone (who thinks he/she is an expert) to comment on your singing and voila! the whole nation will be discussing about you.

Want to be on television but you are not a celebrity?
You can always commit a crime, but it won't be nice. Don't worry, just attend any of the singing auditon for a reality show. Then sing badly. Act like a retard and make a complete idiot of yourself. You can also make an impression of Micheal Jackson, wear yellow short or just sing the Jigglypuff song from the cartoon Pokemon. Peluang anda untuk masuk tv memang cerah, sebab diorang memang suka tunjuk benda2 yg bodoh cam ni.

Nak Jadi Kaya??
Create a scracth and win contest, don't worry if this scheme has been highlighted in the newspaper. There are lot of idiots who don't read the newspaper and can't understand the content. (They are more interested to find out bila siti nurhaliza nak kawin). You can always fool this people and get rich quick. If this method does not work, pegi kawan dengan mana mana mamat afrika yang ada black money. This is better, the more money these stupid people have, the greedier they become, then you can start to fool these rich idiots. Don't you feel lucky that you are living in a world full of idiots?

Anda seorang yang popular tetapi populariti anda semakin menurun. Anda ingin populariti anda berada di puncak semula.
This will only work if you are single. Kalau perempuan lagi senang. Kalau dah kawin, or duda, or janda, nasib la. Mula2 create a story, cakap hati you sudah ada orang yang punya. To add to the suspense, jangan cakap nama orang itu. Sebaik baiknya gunakan huruf pertama dari nama dia. Sila jangan gunakan huruf X sebab kat Malaysia ni tak ramai lelaki yang namanya bermula dari huruf X. Kalau you pakai X jugak orang akan cakap you bodoh unless you punya boifren memang bernama xavier or x-man. Yang tgh popular masa kini ialah huruf K, nak sedap lagi, tambah perkataan Datuk ke, Tan Sri ke kat depan tu. Nescaya, populariti anda akan memuncak semula, dan dapat masuk berita perdana di tengah hari dengan percuma.

Ada banyak lagi perkara yang anda boleh lakukan untuk memenuhi impian anda. Tetapi yang sebaiknya ialah berusaha dengan bersungguh sungguh.( Ini adalah pesanan sivik Pipi kepada golongan yang ingin memenuhi impian). Tapi kalau malas gak nak berusaha, pegi masuk Roda Impian or Casa Impian je la!

Idiots with Problems

(Blog Pipi dah disahkan tidak mengandungi ciri ciri spam)

Pernahkah anda terjumpa satu ruangan, selalunya dalam suratkhabar bahasa melayu la, di mana sekumpulan insan2 bengap menghantar masalah mereka untuk dijawab oleh ntah sapa2, yang pastinya akan dibaca oleh jutaan orang bengap yang lain?

I don't really understand this kind of people. Pipi rasa, diorang ni memang bodoh. Masalah paling ketara ialah diorang ni mengharapkan orang yang langsung mereka tak kenal untuk memberi pandangan tentang masalah mereka. Have they ever thought that the person in charge of that column might laugh to their stupid problem?

Pipi bukan pakar sakit jiwa ataupun kauselor dan Pipi tidak berminat langsung untuk membantu mereka yang bengap ini. Berikut adalah beberapa masalah yang pernah Pipi baca secara tidak sengaja, untuk Pipi bagi pandangan (sila ambik perhatian, ini ialah pandangan peribadi Pipi)

Kes 1
" Adik merupakan seorang remaja yang mempunyai berat badan yang berlebihan, menyebabkan adalah selalu dikutuk oleh kawan2 adik. Adik sungguh merasa malu. Tolonglah selesaikan masalah adik ini. - Adik Montel"

Pandangan Pipi
Apalah budak ni.....First thing first, check diri sendiri dulu. Apasal berat badan hang lebih dari orang lain? Kuat makan ke? Memang baka cam tu ke? Takyah risau2 sangat kalau gemuk dik oi...Untuk menyelesaikan masalah rasa tersisih, cuba pergi kat mana mana stesen tv, pastu cakap, saya tak dapat sertai PLKN sebab saya gemuk. Secara tiba2 adik akan dapat masuk program menguruskan badan secara percuma dan glamer di universiti tempatan. Adik akan terus jadi popular dan tak kene kutuk lagi. Pasal kawan2 yang suka kutuk tu, buat tak tau je, they are not your friends. Memang dah jadi tabiat orang yang bengap untuk mempersendakan orang lain. Problem solved!

Kes 2
" Saya seorang lelaki yang meminati kaum sejenis, tolonglah saya wahai Puteri (Puteri ialah nama samaran kaunselor suratkabar yang tak bertauliah) - Jejaka Risau."

Pandangan serong Pipi
Idiot! Apasal hang pegi tulis surat mintak tolong kat Puteri? Tengok dari nama, sudah semestinya Puteri tu seorang wanita (unless dia menyamar atau dia pondan cam hang gak). Seorang wanita tidak dapat menolong menyelesaikan masalah lelaki gay. Kalau dia jatuh cinta kat hang pun, bukan hang nak kat dia. Hang minat lelaki. Kalau nak berubah, hang kene ubah sendiri. Hantar kat 10 suratkabar pun takleh jadi apa pun. Bengong! buang masa Puteri je.

Kes 3
" Saya berkahwin dengan seorang wanita yang berpendidikan tinggi. Masalah saya ialah isteri saya tidak mendengar cakap saya dan selalu menengking saya - Suami Teraniaya"

Pandangan Pipi
Pernah dengar peribahasa enggang sama enggang, pipit sama pipit tak? Dulu sebelum kawin apasal tak check betul2. Mungkin bini dia kawin dgn dia sebab dia dah boleh agak camne character future husband dia ni. Dilahirkan untuk ditengking oleh isteri. Takyah susah nak pegi counselling, buang masa je. Kalau berani, cerai je. Tapi mesti tak berani punya sebab isteri dia berpendidikan tinggi, gaji tinggi. Karang cerai, nak makan apa lak.

Kes 4
"Saya menghadapi masalah dalam percintaan. Setiap insan yang saya berkenan mesti tidak mahu mendampingi saya. Tolonglah, umur saya sudah lanjut - Anak Teruna (Dara) Tua"

Pandangan Pipi
Ambik cermin, tengok muka anda, ada tak something yang tak kene? Ada tak tertulis kat dahi anda perkataan "saya bodoh"? Kalau takde, ok. Anda masih ada harapan. Tengok peribadi anda? Best ke tak best. Kalau best, ok. Anda masih ada harapan. Kalau takde makwe/pakwe lagi pegi tengok nasib lak. Mungkin anda memang tak bernasib baik. By the way, jodoh pertemuan di tangan Tuhan. Now, pegi mandi bunga! buang suwey tu sikit.

Pipi rasa cukup lah membebankan korang semua dengan masalah masalah remeh temeh diorang ni. Apa yang Pipi pelik, betul ke ada orang camni? Yang sanggup nak hantar masalah dia kat suratkhabar? Ntah2, columnist tu reka sendiri tak? Tujuan utama - membodohkan pembaca suratkabar macam korang.

International Women's Day

Semalam, 8hb Mac adalah merupakan Hari Wanita bagi semua wanita di dunia ini. I am still figuring out why do they need to have this so called International Women's Day. Hari hari lain takde pompuan ke? It is still not to late for me to wish to all the women in the world a very happy women's day to all of you, eventhough this means nothing to me.

Sempena Hari Wanita ni, Pipi nak ajak korang share a few things about women, dari pandangan Pipi. Ini adalah untuk membetulkan pandangan stereotaip tentang wanita, menceritakan ciri ciri seorang wanita dan apa yang anda perlu tahu tentang wanita supaya anda (if you are a man) dapat lebih menghargai seorang wanita. Pipi juga sertakan beberapa tips untuk melayan kerenah wanita.

Wanita bukan kaum yang lemah.
Ini sangat stereotaip. Dalam zaman yang moden dan serba maju ini, wanita bukan lagi kaum yang lemah. The only woman yang lemah ialah penyanyi yang pernah melafazkan lagu yang mempunyai lirik seperti - aku insan yang lemah, hanya mampu berserah, ingin sekali bertemu, untuk melepas rindu. Tapi itu zaman dulu. Nowadays, women can do almost everything untuk membuktikan bahawa mereka bukan lemah. Ada perempuan masuk sukan olimpik dalam acara angkat berat. Sila perhatikan ibu atau kakak atau isteri anda. Mereka tidak selemah yang disangka. Tiap tiap hari mengangkat baju, mengangkat penyapu dan mengangkat pinggan untuk dicuci. You might say, alaaaa...berapa berat sangat la pinggan tu, but imagine this, tiap2 hari angkat pinggan, seumur hidup mereka dan kalau dijumlahkan semua pinggan/penyapu/ baju etc yg diangkat,no doubt,wanita memang kuat.

Wanita mempunyai jiwa yang sensetif.
Kaum lelaki perlu berhati hati apabila menangani (menangangi bermaksud menghadapi, bukan melempang) masalah kaum wanita yang menpunyai jiwa sensetif ini. Setiap pertuturan kata dan perbuatan harus difikirkan agar kaum wanita tidak terasa. Sebagai contoh, sekiranya anda mempunyai isteri atau kekasih yg berat badannya melebihi berat normal, jangan sekali kali cakap yang dia gemuk. Sebaliknya cakap seperti berikut "sayang.....awak semakin comel macam Telletubbies". Wanita yang bijak akan segera memahami maksud anda, dan akan berusaha untuk menguruskan badan. Tetapi jika mereka masih lagi tak paham, anda merupakan seorang yang beruntung kerana dikurniakan kekasih atau isteri yang bengap. Anda boleh memanggil mereka beruang.

Wanita dan Persamaan Hak.
This is a very sensetive issue. Jangan sekali kali memandang rendah terhadap wanita dan menidakkan hak mereka. Mereka bersungguh sungguh ingin disamakan dengan lelaki. Kalau lelaki boleh jadi askar, pilot etc, mereka juga boleh. That's why sekarang, anda dapat perhatikan banyak persamaan antara wanita dan lelaki. Mereka sudah pandai check minyak hitam dan air bateri kereta, kencing sambil berdiri tapi air kencing tidak meleleh kat peha etc.

Wanita mempunyai jiwa yang complex.
Perhatikan apabila tiba musim sale, kaum wanita akan memenuhi shopping complex. Period.

Wanita dan Madu
Wanita tidak suka madu! Women do not like honey! In this case, women will hate whatever things which is related to honey such as bee, flower etc. Never ever mention the word honey in front of your wife or wife to be. If you are a man, and you have made the mistake of having another wife, this is the thing that you need to do to prepare yourself for the worst day if your wives find out. This works for both wives or more if you have more than two wives. Every night, before you go to sleep, whisper to you wife's ear " You're my honey". (Eventhough they don't like the word honey, they will like this one.) Your timing must be right, say the sentence at the stage 1 of sleeping (drowsiness). Your wife can still hear the sentence and she will be smilling. Repeat that every night. Now, when the doom's day comes, and your wife finds out that she has a honey, then say this to her..." I have been telling you that you've a honey every single night but you keep on smilling. Why do you want to be mad today??" Pipi pasti your wife akan terdiam dan perlahan-lahan menerima kenyataan. Please be carefull though, women are not weak.

Sila ambil perhatian bahawa drama Melayu yang memaparkan kisah kisah stereotaip penderitaan wanita adalah bohong dan misleading. Jangan tengok, kalau anda ada Astro, tukar channel, kalau takde tutup tv!

I think this should be enough for you to understand women. If you are single man, and still searching for a girlfriend, study the tips. It will be usefull for you to tackle a women. But then, kalau anda sememangnya seorang lelaki yang tak hensem dan buruk tingkah laku, Pipi tak boleh tolong.

Tips Menghadapi Pembicaraan di Mahkamah

For those idiots who has committed a crime and about to face to court hearing, Pipi kasi beberapa tips untuk memudahkan anda menghadapi perbicaraan. I am not a lawyer, but I can tell you how to fool the other idiots.

Di sini, Pipi senaraikan beberapa kesalahan dan juga cara cara untuk menghadapinya, or call it cara cara untuk berlakon, or memperbodohkan orang.

Kes rasuah, pecah amanah or any white collar crimes.
Jangan risau, jangan panik. Get yourself a lawyer. The lawyer might be an idiot too, but he or she is little bit smarter than you. On the day of the hearing, pegi court naik kereta besar like Mercedes ke BMW ke or paling cikai, naik Proton Perdana. Dress smartly, kalau ada kot, pakai. This is to prove to the idiots that you are rich person, banyak duit so that you can argue, " I already have a lot of money, why would I commit such a crime?" Most probably, you will get away with fine, takyah masuk jail. The judge will realise that you have a lot of money, you can afford to pay the fine, kalau masuk jail, buat sesak je. Furthemore, jail is for the poor people. If this doesn't work, bribe the jugde.

Kes curi, tak kira la curi apa pun. Curi berus gigi ke, curi basikal ke.
Jangan risau, jangan panik. Jangan buat apa apa. Don't bother about getting a lawyer. No lawyer will represent you since they know that you don't have any money. If you have money, you will no be stealing in the first place. On the day of the hearing, pegi court, pakai selekeh habis, pakai baju koyak2, if possible, bawak the whole family including small children. Kalau takde anak, pinjam anak orang. This way, you can show to the idiots that you are really poor. You need to feed yourself and your family (halal, haram kira kemudian). This will definately bring you to jail since you can't afford to pay the fine. On the bright side, they will give you free meal in jail so you don't have to steal again. Don't worry so much about your family. If you are married, your wife will probably find another guy. But, most women are idiots, they will wait for you until you get out of jail.

Kes dadah, limited to hisap dadah or drug possesion only. Kalau mengedar dadah, Pipi tak boleh tolong.
Sorry guys, this tip only applies to celebrities, actors, actress or singers. Kalau you orang biasa biasa je, tak popular, get ready to be sent to Pusat Serenti. For those celebraties, this is what you can do. First thing first, deny your involvement, sebelum pegi court lagi you mesti buat press conference, cakap you telah dianiaya, you tak mungkin buat all those kind of stupid things yang boleh merosakkan populariti anda. One the day of the hearing, pakai glamer habis, jangan lupa sunglasses. Ini penting untuk anda kelihatan bergaya dan juga untuk menyorokkan muka anda dari wartawan dungu yg cuba mengambil gambar anda. When you wear sunglasses, people will not recognise you walaupun you sorang je ada jerawat penuh kat muka. If you want to cut short the hearing, just admit that you are stupid and guilty. Tell the jugde yang you sudah insaf dan tidak akan mengulangi perbuatan tersebut, which you will definately do in future. You will escape with a fine, takde masuk jail punya. Pernah dengar ke celebrities masuk jail? Jangan lupa untuk merekodkan segala kata kata anda untuk dijadikan reference masa depan sebab anda seorang yang bodoh dan for sure anda tidak akan insaf dan akan kene tangkap lagi.

Kes Sumbang Mahram, Rogol Anak atau Cucu Sendiri
Be panic! Be very very panic. However, there is always a stupid lawyer who is willing to represent you in court. Tak caya, try la. Kalau pegi court nanti, ini perkara yang paling penting yang perlu dilakukan. Pakai kopiah kat atas kepala. Pakai baju melayu. Kalau anda seorang datuk yg dah tua, pakai kain pelikat. Sila buat muka kesian habis, alirkan air mata semasa pertuduhan dibacakan. Tunjukkan yang anda sudah benar benar insaf. Tidak kira setua mana pun anda, anda tetap insaf. Jangan risau, pintu taubat tidak pernah tertutup. If you are found guilty, masuk jail, tapi gerenti tak kene sebat sebab anda sudah tua. Kalau kene sodom dalam jail, tanggung sendiri.

Kes Email Fitnah ( Kalau dulu dulu, takde email kira panggil surat layang la)
If you are in this situation, buat bodo je. Just issue a statement yang cakap "Saya tidak ada niat untuk memfitnah sesiapa, biar mahkamah tentukan". Then keep quiet for a while. Bila isu dah sejuk, anda harus membuat gimmick yang baru. Drive night time, look for a building with CCTV, which can capture your act instantly. Then quitely lie down until someone spotted you. If you think that nobody will spot you, call your stupid friend to help. Then claim thay you were being attacked. Masuk spital, jalan pelan2, buat muka kesian. Kalau orang cakap anda berhalusinasi, ask them to go to hell. You are suffering.....not them.. tell them how bad your condition is. Your email fitnah case? Well.... that can wait, why don't you take sometime to write a book? Explain your side of the story to the public (read: morons).

Kes berhibur dan berpakaian tak senonoh kat kelab malam
This is the easiest but you have to get the media to assist you. Kalau anda ditangkap dalam keadaan mabuk or hampir hendak mabuk, cepat cepat cakap "Saya tak mabuk malam tu, salah ke saya pergi menghiburkan diri", kalau orang tv nak tangkap muka anda, masuk berita ke, masuk 999 ke, cepat2 tolak cameramen. Anda tak mabuk, tiada apa yg perlu ditakutkan. Kalau orang tanya kenapa tolak camera, jawab je " Saya tak make up la malam tu, muka cam orang bodoh". Kalau anda ditangkap kerana berpakaian seksi, dan kene masuk lokap, cepat cepat komplen kepada pertubuhan wanita. This one only applies to women, lelaki takde nak pakai seksi. Then quickly get some political organisation to help you. With luck, anda boleh saman balik pihak berkuasa, tak kira la pihak berkuasa tempatan ke, pihak berkuasa agama ke, yang tangkapan anda sebenarnya tidak sah. Adalah menjadi hak anda untuk menunjukkan pangkal buah dada anda, mak bapak anda tidak melarang. By chance, the authority yg tangkap anda tu mesti kena sound punya. On the day of the hearing.....what the hell, there will be no hearing, arahan tangkapan anda sudah pun dibatalkan !!

There are lot more tips but I'll keep that to myself. Kalau cakap semua pun bukan korang paham, nak kene explain satu satu nanti leceh la pulak.

Idiot Performing a Magic Show ( Si Bengap Mata Silap)

Anonymous said...
"refer to no 4 rule of yours,pls be careful of what u wrote(being a smart person..bla..bla)smart person will never do simple grammatical error such as YOUR ARE AN IDIOT(yr blog tittle)aren't u idiot? "

Kat atas tu adalah comment dari seorang yang bengap dan cuba menjadi perahsia dengan tidak memasukkan nama sebenar atau nama samaran. I really pity this guy/girl/zirafah/semut etc. When was the last time you have your eyes checked? Sila perhatikan betul2 title blog tu. Where did the additional letter R come from?

Rules No 6 stated that Jangan Berlagak Pandai kat sini, so now you have it. Mata tak betul, cakap orang bengap lak. The blog title is YOU ARE AN IDIOT....and you will always be.

Di sini Pipi sertakan beberapa tips untuk mengelakkan kejadian tersalah baca dan membodohkan diri sendiri berlaku lagi sekali:

1. Sila mengeja apabila membaca. For example, s.a...sa, y.a....ya = saya, b.o. ...bo, d.o.h... doh= bodoh. Saya bodoh.
2. Perhatikan beberapa kali sebelum membuat sebarang conclusion. Kalau anda tidak paham atau menghadapi masalah untuk memahami apa2 isi kandungan,(well, you are a moron), get you friends to help. Please be caution that your friends are also morons. Don't depend too much on them.
3. Preview your comment before you submit. I wil definately keep a comment yg membodohkan diri sendiri.
4. If you don't know anything, keep quite. Diam2 je, jadi katak bawah tempurung.
5. Periksa mata anda setiap 6 bulan sekali. If you don't know where your eyes are, there are two oval shape things below your forehead, they are called eyes. There is a species who doesn't have the oval shape,it is more like one single line. Orang cakap sepet. If you still fail to locate your eyes, try touching your nose and press hard. You will suffocate and eventually die. You don't deserve to live.

So Anonymous...who is the IDIOT now...?

Peraturan( Rules) Yang (That) Perlu Anda Tahu (You Should Know)

Some of you will never listen, or maybe having a difficulty to undertand the words 10 years and still coming to check for udpates.
(Sesetengah dari anda memang degil atau menghadapi masalah untuk memahami erti 10 tahun dan masih lagi datang untuk memeriksa apa yang telah dikemaskini)

Before we proceed further, I would like to take this oppurnity to explain the rules that all of you need to observe while reading or visiting this blog. This is also a part of the "breaking the ice" thing. Penguins live in a place full of ice.
(Sebelum kita meneruskan dengan lebih lanjut, Pipi ingin mengambil kesempatan ini untuk menerangkan peraturan yang perlu dipatuhi semasa membaca atau melawat blog ini. Ini juga merupakan sebahagian daripada upacara memecahkan ais. Penguin tinggal di tempat yg banyak ais)

1. I AM NOT A PENGUIN !!!!!!
2. Please do not view my complete profile, it is a waste of time and full of insult. Click Sini kalau tak percaya.
3. Please fill free to leave comment, if I like your comment, then I'll keep it, if not I will delete it. Please make sure that you use a simple language so that the other morons will understand. If you opt to leave a comment in English, make it simple. I would appreciate if you use figures or numbers instead of words. Please don't use short cut, they are meant for morons,who love to type on a tiny handphone keypad. If you are not so smart, please don't leave any comment.
4. Being a smart person, I would have the tendency to write in English, however, I do pity the graduates who have the problem of mastering the English language, check kat sini untuk keterangan lanjut. As such, I would either write in Malay, provide a Malay translation or just use a simple English. Simple is good. I use simple English, you understand. I write happy, you also feel happy. Me Pipi, you moron!
5. Please don't expect that this blog will be full of pictures, nice colour and all those bling bling gimmick. That type of blog is created by morons who got nothing to write and try to fool you, who is already a moron into believing that they are not idiot. (Jangan harap blog ni ada banyak gambar, kaler and ntah hapa hapa punya gimmick. Blog sedemikian dicipta oleh seorang yg bengap untuk memperdaya anda, yg sememangnya bengap, untuk menganggap bahawa dia adalah seorang yang pandai)
6. Jangan berlagak pandai kat sini. Anda memang bengap, you don't have to prove anything. If not, you won't be reading this at this moment.

I will try to update this blog as regular as possible as long as they are some morons who will do my office job for me. A true moron will keep on coming for updates. ( Pipi akan cuba utk udpdate blog ini sebeberapa kerap yg munkin selagi ada orang bengap yg akan buat kerja kerja opis Pipi)

(Translation in simple English : Me update always. Moron will do Pipi's work. Please come again, you morons!!)

TERIMA KASIH.....!!!!!

For those idiot who can't understand English, I have provided a Malay translation to my first post.
( Bagi sesiapa yang menghadapi masalah memahami bahasa inggeris, saya telah menyediakan versi Bahasa Melayu untuk penulisan pertama saya)

TERIMA KASIH KERANA MELAWAT. ANDA SECARA RASMINYA SEKARANG ADALAH SEORANG YANG BODOH.

THANK YOU ....!!!!!!!

THANK YOU FOR VISITING. YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY AN IDIOT.