For those idiots who has committed a crime and about to face to court hearing, Pipi kasi beberapa tips untuk memudahkan anda menghadapi perbicaraan. I am not a lawyer, but I can tell you how to fool the other idiots.
Di sini, Pipi senaraikan beberapa kesalahan dan juga cara cara untuk menghadapinya, or call it cara cara untuk berlakon, or memperbodohkan orang.
Kes rasuah, pecah amanah or any white collar crimes.
Jangan risau, jangan panik. Get yourself a lawyer. The lawyer might be an idiot too, but he or she is little bit smarter than you. On the day of the hearing, pegi court naik kereta besar like Mercedes ke BMW ke or paling cikai, naik Proton Perdana. Dress smartly, kalau ada kot, pakai. This is to prove to the idiots that you are rich person, banyak duit so that you can argue, " I already have a lot of money, why would I commit such a crime?" Most probably, you will get away with fine, takyah masuk jail. The judge will realise that you have a lot of money, you can afford to pay the fine, kalau masuk jail, buat sesak je. Furthemore, jail is for the poor people. If this doesn't work, bribe the jugde.
Kes curi, tak kira la curi apa pun. Curi berus gigi ke, curi basikal ke.
Jangan risau, jangan panik. Jangan buat apa apa. Don't bother about getting a lawyer. No lawyer will represent you since they know that you don't have any money. If you have money, you will no be stealing in the first place. On the day of the hearing, pegi court, pakai selekeh habis, pakai baju koyak2, if possible, bawak the whole family including small children. Kalau takde anak, pinjam anak orang. This way, you can show to the idiots that you are really poor. You need to feed yourself and your family (halal, haram kira kemudian). This will definately bring you to jail since you can't afford to pay the fine. On the bright side, they will give you free meal in jail so you don't have to steal again. Don't worry so much about your family. If you are married, your wife will probably find another guy. But, most women are idiots, they will wait for you until you get out of jail.
Kes dadah, limited to hisap dadah or drug possesion only. Kalau mengedar dadah, Pipi tak boleh tolong.
Sorry guys, this tip only applies to celebrities, actors, actress or singers. Kalau you orang biasa biasa je, tak popular, get ready to be sent to Pusat Serenti. For those celebraties, this is what you can do. First thing first, deny your involvement, sebelum pegi court lagi you mesti buat press conference, cakap you telah dianiaya, you tak mungkin buat all those kind of stupid things yang boleh merosakkan populariti anda. One the day of the hearing, pakai glamer habis, jangan lupa sunglasses. Ini penting untuk anda kelihatan bergaya dan juga untuk menyorokkan muka anda dari wartawan dungu yg cuba mengambil gambar anda. When you wear sunglasses, people will not recognise you walaupun you sorang je ada jerawat penuh kat muka. If you want to cut short the hearing, just admit that you are stupid and guilty. Tell the jugde yang you sudah insaf dan tidak akan mengulangi perbuatan tersebut, which you will definately do in future. You will escape with a fine, takde masuk jail punya. Pernah dengar ke celebrities masuk jail? Jangan lupa untuk merekodkan segala kata kata anda untuk dijadikan reference masa depan sebab anda seorang yang bodoh dan for sure anda tidak akan insaf dan akan kene tangkap lagi.
Kes Sumbang Mahram, Rogol Anak atau Cucu Sendiri
Be panic! Be very very panic. However, there is always a stupid lawyer who is willing to represent you in court. Tak caya, try la. Kalau pegi court nanti, ini perkara yang paling penting yang perlu dilakukan. Pakai kopiah kat atas kepala. Pakai baju melayu. Kalau anda seorang datuk yg dah tua, pakai kain pelikat. Sila buat muka kesian habis, alirkan air mata semasa pertuduhan dibacakan. Tunjukkan yang anda sudah benar benar insaf. Tidak kira setua mana pun anda, anda tetap insaf. Jangan risau, pintu taubat tidak pernah tertutup. If you are found guilty, masuk jail, tapi gerenti tak kene sebat sebab anda sudah tua. Kalau kene sodom dalam jail, tanggung sendiri.
Kes Email Fitnah ( Kalau dulu dulu, takde email kira panggil surat layang la)
If you are in this situation, buat bodo je. Just issue a statement yang cakap "Saya tidak ada niat untuk memfitnah sesiapa, biar mahkamah tentukan". Then keep quiet for a while. Bila isu dah sejuk, anda harus membuat gimmick yang baru. Drive night time, look for a building with CCTV, which can capture your act instantly. Then quitely lie down until someone spotted you. If you think that nobody will spot you, call your stupid friend to help. Then claim thay you were being attacked. Masuk spital, jalan pelan2, buat muka kesian. Kalau orang cakap anda berhalusinasi, ask them to go to hell. You are suffering.....not them.. tell them how bad your condition is. Your email fitnah case? Well.... that can wait, why don't you take sometime to write a book? Explain your side of the story to the public (read: morons).
Kes berhibur dan berpakaian tak senonoh kat kelab malam
This is the easiest but you have to get the media to assist you. Kalau anda ditangkap dalam keadaan mabuk or hampir hendak mabuk, cepat cepat cakap "Saya tak mabuk malam tu, salah ke saya pergi menghiburkan diri", kalau orang tv nak tangkap muka anda, masuk berita ke, masuk 999 ke, cepat2 tolak cameramen. Anda tak mabuk, tiada apa yg perlu ditakutkan. Kalau orang tanya kenapa tolak camera, jawab je " Saya tak make up la malam tu, muka cam orang bodoh". Kalau anda ditangkap kerana berpakaian seksi, dan kene masuk lokap, cepat cepat komplen kepada pertubuhan wanita. This one only applies to women, lelaki takde nak pakai seksi. Then quickly get some political organisation to help you. With luck, anda boleh saman balik pihak berkuasa, tak kira la pihak berkuasa tempatan ke, pihak berkuasa agama ke, yang tangkapan anda sebenarnya tidak sah. Adalah menjadi hak anda untuk menunjukkan pangkal buah dada anda, mak bapak anda tidak melarang. By chance, the authority yg tangkap anda tu mesti kena sound punya. On the day of the hearing.....what the hell, there will be no hearing, arahan tangkapan anda sudah pun dibatalkan !!
There are lot more tips but I'll keep that to myself. Kalau cakap semua pun bukan korang paham, nak kene explain satu satu nanti leceh la pulak.
Di sini, Pipi senaraikan beberapa kesalahan dan juga cara cara untuk menghadapinya, or call it cara cara untuk berlakon, or memperbodohkan orang.
Kes rasuah, pecah amanah or any white collar crimes.
Jangan risau, jangan panik. Get yourself a lawyer. The lawyer might be an idiot too, but he or she is little bit smarter than you. On the day of the hearing, pegi court naik kereta besar like Mercedes ke BMW ke or paling cikai, naik Proton Perdana. Dress smartly, kalau ada kot, pakai. This is to prove to the idiots that you are rich person, banyak duit so that you can argue, " I already have a lot of money, why would I commit such a crime?" Most probably, you will get away with fine, takyah masuk jail. The judge will realise that you have a lot of money, you can afford to pay the fine, kalau masuk jail, buat sesak je. Furthemore, jail is for the poor people. If this doesn't work, bribe the jugde.
Kes curi, tak kira la curi apa pun. Curi berus gigi ke, curi basikal ke.
Jangan risau, jangan panik. Jangan buat apa apa. Don't bother about getting a lawyer. No lawyer will represent you since they know that you don't have any money. If you have money, you will no be stealing in the first place. On the day of the hearing, pegi court, pakai selekeh habis, pakai baju koyak2, if possible, bawak the whole family including small children. Kalau takde anak, pinjam anak orang. This way, you can show to the idiots that you are really poor. You need to feed yourself and your family (halal, haram kira kemudian). This will definately bring you to jail since you can't afford to pay the fine. On the bright side, they will give you free meal in jail so you don't have to steal again. Don't worry so much about your family. If you are married, your wife will probably find another guy. But, most women are idiots, they will wait for you until you get out of jail.
Kes dadah, limited to hisap dadah or drug possesion only. Kalau mengedar dadah, Pipi tak boleh tolong.
Sorry guys, this tip only applies to celebrities, actors, actress or singers. Kalau you orang biasa biasa je, tak popular, get ready to be sent to Pusat Serenti. For those celebraties, this is what you can do. First thing first, deny your involvement, sebelum pegi court lagi you mesti buat press conference, cakap you telah dianiaya, you tak mungkin buat all those kind of stupid things yang boleh merosakkan populariti anda. One the day of the hearing, pakai glamer habis, jangan lupa sunglasses. Ini penting untuk anda kelihatan bergaya dan juga untuk menyorokkan muka anda dari wartawan dungu yg cuba mengambil gambar anda. When you wear sunglasses, people will not recognise you walaupun you sorang je ada jerawat penuh kat muka. If you want to cut short the hearing, just admit that you are stupid and guilty. Tell the jugde yang you sudah insaf dan tidak akan mengulangi perbuatan tersebut, which you will definately do in future. You will escape with a fine, takde masuk jail punya. Pernah dengar ke celebrities masuk jail? Jangan lupa untuk merekodkan segala kata kata anda untuk dijadikan reference masa depan sebab anda seorang yang bodoh dan for sure anda tidak akan insaf dan akan kene tangkap lagi.
Kes Sumbang Mahram, Rogol Anak atau Cucu Sendiri
Be panic! Be very very panic. However, there is always a stupid lawyer who is willing to represent you in court. Tak caya, try la. Kalau pegi court nanti, ini perkara yang paling penting yang perlu dilakukan. Pakai kopiah kat atas kepala. Pakai baju melayu. Kalau anda seorang datuk yg dah tua, pakai kain pelikat. Sila buat muka kesian habis, alirkan air mata semasa pertuduhan dibacakan. Tunjukkan yang anda sudah benar benar insaf. Tidak kira setua mana pun anda, anda tetap insaf. Jangan risau, pintu taubat tidak pernah tertutup. If you are found guilty, masuk jail, tapi gerenti tak kene sebat sebab anda sudah tua. Kalau kene sodom dalam jail, tanggung sendiri.
Kes Email Fitnah ( Kalau dulu dulu, takde email kira panggil surat layang la)
If you are in this situation, buat bodo je. Just issue a statement yang cakap "Saya tidak ada niat untuk memfitnah sesiapa, biar mahkamah tentukan". Then keep quiet for a while. Bila isu dah sejuk, anda harus membuat gimmick yang baru. Drive night time, look for a building with CCTV, which can capture your act instantly. Then quitely lie down until someone spotted you. If you think that nobody will spot you, call your stupid friend to help. Then claim thay you were being attacked. Masuk spital, jalan pelan2, buat muka kesian. Kalau orang cakap anda berhalusinasi, ask them to go to hell. You are suffering.....not them.. tell them how bad your condition is. Your email fitnah case? Well.... that can wait, why don't you take sometime to write a book? Explain your side of the story to the public (read: morons).
Kes berhibur dan berpakaian tak senonoh kat kelab malam
This is the easiest but you have to get the media to assist you. Kalau anda ditangkap dalam keadaan mabuk or hampir hendak mabuk, cepat cepat cakap "Saya tak mabuk malam tu, salah ke saya pergi menghiburkan diri", kalau orang tv nak tangkap muka anda, masuk berita ke, masuk 999 ke, cepat2 tolak cameramen. Anda tak mabuk, tiada apa yg perlu ditakutkan. Kalau orang tanya kenapa tolak camera, jawab je " Saya tak make up la malam tu, muka cam orang bodoh". Kalau anda ditangkap kerana berpakaian seksi, dan kene masuk lokap, cepat cepat komplen kepada pertubuhan wanita. This one only applies to women, lelaki takde nak pakai seksi. Then quickly get some political organisation to help you. With luck, anda boleh saman balik pihak berkuasa, tak kira la pihak berkuasa tempatan ke, pihak berkuasa agama ke, yang tangkapan anda sebenarnya tidak sah. Adalah menjadi hak anda untuk menunjukkan pangkal buah dada anda, mak bapak anda tidak melarang. By chance, the authority yg tangkap anda tu mesti kena sound punya. On the day of the hearing.....what the hell, there will be no hearing, arahan tangkapan anda sudah pun dibatalkan !!
There are lot more tips but I'll keep that to myself. Kalau cakap semua pun bukan korang paham, nak kene explain satu satu nanti leceh la pulak.
6 comments:
bravo.. to all idiots of the world .. this is a good blog.. i would say that you are an idiot .. but what is the problem .. that is the reality of the world .. every body is an idiot .. whether they realized it or not. once says. one eye man is the king in a kindom of blind. muhahahahahah. walaumacamana pun jadi bodoh sebenarnya takder masalah .. ynag jadi masalahnya dia tak tau dia bodoh .. itu namanya bodoh sombong .. dah lah bodoh sombong pulak tu nak belajar.. ada orang tau apa ynag dia tak tau.. ada orang tau apa ynag dia tau.. ada orang tak tahu apa ynag dia tahu .. ada orang tak tau apa ynag dia tak tau ... last sekali tau sama tau lah ... sebab apa ynag kita tahu lagi sikit dari apa ynag kita tak tahu ... ... makan tauhu bakar pun best gak ini ..
Hahahaha!Pupu suka,Pupu suka!pandai Pipi..errr..buah dada ada pangkal ke?yg mana satu pangkal yg mana satu hujung?Pupu konpius la..ish ish..
Pipi,kalau kes persetubuhan haram mcmana lak?
quiet la,bukan quite,ingatkan pipi pandai sgt rupanya ba waw bu dal waw sim dus bu..dus!
atuk tua
Let us first do the checklist. Kopiah ada? Baju Melayu ada? Kain Pelikat ada? Kalau semua dah ada, ok fine, kalau takde cepat2 beli, you are going to need it soon...very soon.
pupu
Hang ni jantan ke pompuan? Kalau hang jantan, gerenti hang tau mana satu hujung, mana satu pangkal. Lagi satu jantan takde nak segan2 surf internet tgk gambar buah dada. Kalau hang pompuan, maknanya hang punya buah dada belum tumbuh lagi, hang belum baligh. Come back bila dah baligh nanti ok?
apam
Don't worry so much about persetubuhan haram. Persetubuhan haram hanya akan dihadapkan ke mahkamah bila hang kena tangkap dgn cukup saksi dan bukti. Takkan la hang bodo sangat, sampai orang datang nak tangkap hang masa bersetubuh secara haram, pun hang terus bersetubuh.Hang berenti la bersetubuh. So takde saksi yg nampak. Paling kuat pun kene kes khalwat. Jangan lupa pakai songkok (tudung kalau hang pompuan) masa pegi mahkamah syariah. What you really need to worry is, kalau persetubuhan haram hang telah menghasilkan anak haram. That one, Pipi takleh tolong.
ketuat
What are you trying to prove? Boleh eja jawi tapi mata takleh pakai pun tak guna gak. Refer balik kat entry Pipi pasal silap mata tu.
Pipi, i beg to differ. Have u ever heard innocent till proven guilty? There are hundreds of cases where ppl are wrongly accused everyday. So bukan ke setiap manusia itu berhak untuk mendapatkan pembelaan di Mahkamah.
Even judges berpegang kepada "its better to acquit 10 guilty men rather than to convict 1 innocent man."
Satu lagi pasal sumbang mahram tuu. Our legal system bukan pakai jury pun macam kat US. So there's no point nak pakai kopiah ker kain pelikat. Judge decide cases base on facts.
Tuu jer laa. sekadar bagi pandangan.
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